In my “new normal”, as I try to put my life back together, it is very very difficult. Often times people tell me, “baby steps”. I get it, well at least I thought I did.
This past week, I was surprised to find out just how long I have really been practicing “baby steps”. In my mind, this has been going on for a year and and 7 months. In actuality it has only been maybe 5 or 6 months. I am understanding now that I was in complete shock for an entire year.
Now things make more sense. But that does not mean it has gotten easier. In a way it seems more difficult. I worked so hard for that whole first year in shock? Really? That’s a shock in and of itself! Does this mean that all of my hard work was for nothing? On a good day, I know the answer to that question. It’s not for nothing.
All I know is that I am tired. I still hurt. And there are days when it seems like nothing has changed. I know that I have made changes (and I can probably name them if I had to) but, I don’t want to “name” them. I want to “feeeel” them. I want to feeeel that sense of accomplishment. I want to “see” it come to fruition, all around me, just all around me.
I’m still in so much pain a lot of the time, I feel like I have not grown at all. I mean, I really work hard at it – really really hard. I have not been sitting on my hands all of this time. I have been working through the trauma at least 4 days a week for 2 1/2 hours a day, and then some.
How much processing of traumatic events has to happen before one can resume a somewhat normal life? I don’t know the answer to that question. More importantly, I don’t even know if there is an answer. Everyone processes things differently, and at their own pace, based on their own life experiences.
I want the pain to stop. I want the sleepless nights to stop. I want the anxiety and depression to stop. I want the sadness to stop. I want the grief and crying to stop. I am just TIRED. And it’s not the kind of tired that can be taken care of with a simple nap. This is different. I can nap, and when I wake up, it’s still there.
What I do know though, is that, many people all around the world have gone through much worse in their lives than myself. I have a roof over my head. I have a husband who loves me dearly. I have friends that love me. I have a nice home. I have a business just waiting for me to get back to it. I have a car to drive. I have clothes on my back. I have nice food to eat. Gratitude.
That’s where I’m at. It always comes back to gratitude doesn’t it. Gratitude, loving yourself, help from God, guidance from the Holy Ghost, your circle of supportive friends, trusting the process, and Radical Acceptance. Repeat. This is the process.
Thankfully, I have had joyful “moments” in the midst of my sorrow. I am SO grateful for those moments like you don’t even know. Now if I can just string enough of those joyful moments together, that would make me so very happy. It will come. It will come because it has to come. I will not quit. I will go forward.
Psalm 30:5 says, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Give God a shout!!!