My Suddenly God

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Yesterday, I had such a HUGE breakthrough in my recovery, and I owe it all to God and to my wonderful counselor, Suzanne Counts, at the Prism Program, to my counselor Dr. Kevin Smith, to my most loving and supportive husband, Harold Green, and to myself for putting in the work (that’s right, it’s OK to give myself a pat on the back now and then).

I have been struggling with many mind blowing emotions for over a year and a half. Thankfully, friends and family have been so faithful to pray for me. Thank you my faithful friends and family ❤  You know who you are.

Suddenly, driving down the road, after IOP (Intensive Outpatient Therapy) group yesterday (I’ve been doing a lot of hard work in there), something SUPER POWERFUL came over me. I was driving down the freeway, and “suddenly” I got this overwhelming sense of peace that just enveloped me like a warm cozy blanket with hearts on it. All in the same moment, deep in my innermost insides, I felt complete forgiveness, understanding, compassion, and even love, for those who have hurt me so badly over the last year and a half.

Gone was the anger, fear, bitterness, hurt and resentments.  In their place came a peace that I did not know if I would EVER feel again.

I AM a great mother!

I AM a great wife!

I AM a good person!

I CAN show love to those who hurt me again!

I DO have really good qualities within myself!

I AM OK just the way I am!

I AM exactly the person God made me to be!

I HAVE flaws, but I AM NOT “a” flaw!

My truth is AWESOME; and, it’s mine to keep and to love.

 I DON’T believe negative things others may say about me even when THEY DO!

I AM NOT the negative things others say about me.

As long as I KNOW the truth (my truth), who cares what others think or believe?

Who cares?  So what? Just so what?

It’s all good!

 I’M all good!

I AM ok with me even if/when others are not ok with me.

I CAN forgive when others hurt me because they don’t know any better.

I CAN take the high road even when others aren’t able.

I CAN show love to those who have hurt me beyond belief. I CAN!

The hurt WAS terrible hurt, but it DOESN’T MATTER any more.

It just doesn’t matter.

God matters. Love matters. Life matters. Forgiveness matters. People matter. I matter.

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What’s done is done – it’s in the past.

I CAN acknowledge the hurt; and, it no longer defines me.

It’s OK to be tired.  I HAVE been through a lot.

It WOULD be a lot for ANYONE.

My emotions DON’T have to keep me living in the past.

I CAN move on now; I CAN move on.

I CAN love myself just like I am.  I AM good.

Hurting people HURT people, they DON’T know better.

I KNOW better now.  I GET IT!

It hurt for a time; but, I DON’T HAVE TO hurt forever.

I AM in control of my future now.

My emotions DON’T get to rule my life anymore.

I WON’T accept unacceptable behavior.

I DO deserve respect.

If I am not respected, I CAN CHOOSE NOT to be around that.

I HAVE prayed a lot for this moment.

I CAN CHOOSE to live free now.

I AM who God says I am, NOT who other people say I am.

GOD AGREES that I am set FREE – FREE indeed!

Suddenly, I WAS able to LET GO of everything wrong in my life yesterday!

Suddenly, wrong is a WRONG THING, but I AM NOT a WRONG PERSON.

Suddenly, I realized that God made me a GOOD person.  I have flaws; AND, I AM a good human.

Suddenly, lack of motivation HAS been replaced by new energy.

Suddenly, I CAN do some work around the house if I CHOOSE.

Suddenly, I REALIZE that I CAN choose my emotions; my emotions DON’T get to choose me.

Suddenly, I GOT IT.  What HAS hurt me so badly for so long, doesn’t HAVE to hurt any longer. It just doesn’t.

Suddenly, my “hurt backpack” WAS emptied.  I CAN see the bottom.  The bottom CAN see the top.

Suddenly, I LET GO of the past as it WAS. The past IS exactly that; the past.

Suddenly, I DON’T have to DO something about EVERYTHING!  Halleluia! That’s God’s job anyway!

Suddenly, I DON’T have to THINK  AND RETHINK on the past ALL OF THE TIME – ANYMORE.

Suddenly, the past IS NO MORE.  I AM FREE of it.

Suddenly, my love tank WAS starting to open again, right there in the car.  I WASN’T scared to move.  I WASN’T SCARED!

Suddenly, fear WAS gone!  What a gift!  Fear of hurt and rejection – GONE.

Suddenly, yesterday, I WAS able to reach out (in love) to one of the people who had hurt me the most with NO HESITATION!

Suddenly, I REALIZED that developing and maintaining healthy boundaries WILL keep me grounded.

Suddenly, I FELT the ground under my feet, and WAS NOT hovering out there, in a place unknown and scary.

Suddenly, I have direction; and, I can see forward movement in my future.  All of my hard work is paying off. I am able to be proud of myself now.  I have done a good job.  I am not stuck anymore.  What a huge sense of relief.

Only God can do that many things in/for a person at once. God CAN and God WILL. Only God. ONLY GOD!!

Thank You God – My Loving Caring God – My Miracle Working God.

I Love You GOD.

I AM FREE.

I AM STILL.

I AM QUIET.

I JUST AM.

FINALLY.

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Just Let it Roll

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I can seclude myself from others, in a nice little comfy hole,

Or I can leap and trust God to catch me, open up, and let it roll.

Lying just beneath the surface, let all the truth be told,

Tears are easier to let go of, than they are to staunchly hold.

When God made me just rest assured – He did not break the mold,

There are many of us still grieving, yet another departed soul.

We all deal solemnly with our grief, and in so many different ways,

Some of it slowly goes away, and some of it lingers and stays.

“Don’t let it out! Don’t let out!” I hear the devil say,

“Once it starts I promise you, it just won’t go away!”

“Shut up devil! Get out of my life! You’re nothing but a liar!”

 Listen to you – you evil thing? The one who was cast into the fire?”

Little by little as life goes by, I slowly keep letting off steam,

Like a pressure pot that steadily simmers, until it’s ready to come clean.

Do not worry, the Bible says, the deep grief, is NOT here to stay,

I do believe that this is so, no matter what other people may say.

People only know what they’ve been told, or what is true for “them”,

Let not their careless unmindful words, leave me hanging on a limb.

I just put one foot in front of the other, and go forth day after day,

Soon the weight will begin to shift, and will go the other way.

Days turn into weeks, turn into months, turn into years,

Every step of the way I know, that God is catching all of my tears.

He catches them in His hands, He doesn’t miss a single one,

He records them in the book He keeps, as His day is never done.

Can you even imagine a God so big, and who truly cares so much?

If He only had some skin on Him, so I could feel His loving touch.

But “Where is Got at times like these,  I surely need his help!

After all, I’m only human, I can’t do this by myself”!

I rest assured He’s by my side, and that He’ll never ever leave,

He’s standing by as close to me, as the very breath that I breathe.

Let It Roll!